A Morally Rattling Experience

The highlight of my time in Scotland was something that really got me thinking. I noticed a lot of people, around my age, asking for money all over the city. As a policy, I don't give money to people asking for it. I can never trust they will use it for what they intend and firmly believe I worked for this money. I disagree with giving out free money for no work. But I also firmly believe in providing food and shelter for people regardless of work. So I go in, buy a sack of bread and water and offer it to one of them. I half expected him to reject it or sneer at me for not giving money. I expected this because I have literally gotten those responses so often in the States. People have said, "I asked for money, not food."

This guy looks at it, eyes wide and says, "Yes please, thank you!" He physical reaction was mixed between trying to be calm and let me hand it to him and letting his hunger take over lunging for it. The next guy I meet I offer more food and a similar reaction. These people were truly grateful. They didn't expect it, but appreciated it.

This rocked me. I realized that these people literally are starving at times, in a first world country. This guy is young, medium sized and looks healthy enough. What got him here?

I wish I could give these people money and I guess I could, but I am backpacking on the cheap and running out of money far faster than I would have liked. I feel so spoiled and really, like an asshole holding onto it, though. Yes, it is my money, yes I am running out. but I am running out because I am backpacking around Europe. I know I will find a job when I get home and replenish my savings. But at the same time, if I give one person money and reject another because I run out of it, how is that fair?

Say what you want about me, but something I am obsessed with is being fair. If the world was fair, it would be a bette place. If people just treated others fairly, it would be an amazing place. I want to get what I earned and worked for. I want others to get the same. How can I give some here and not others? I can't just give it all up and have nothing left.....but then it hits me. Why can't I? Why shouldn't I?

This question has been wrecking me. I want to go back to a good paying job, but how can I justify getting a good paying job and enjoying my nice amenities when people are still suffering here? But even if I give everything I have, the impact overall will still be so small. I can help a few, but I will be obsessed with all the people that I am not helping. I will feel unfair again. As stupid as this sounds, I know I couldn't be a social worker or psychologist because I would focus on all the people I can't save, not the ones I can or did.

I decided that at worst, while I am unemployed back in Kansas City I can go buy fresh bread and offer it to homeless I encounter. They tend to frequent the same places.

I spent a lot of time thinking about should my next career choice be in charity, volunteer, etc? But I fear I would run into the same issues. Would I truly enjoy my job? I know I would be helping others, but it would truly bring me to realize all the people I can't help. Is it selfish to factor in my happiness?

I still struggle with this. Should I pursue a dream job, I am excited about, and truly want to do or should I pursue one that I could truly help needy people on a daily basis?

To be honest, right now I lean towards the further, not the latter. But we will see.